Marriage Essentials E-zine | November 9, 2006
volume 1, Issue 3 | Subscribe

Welcome back to Marriage Essentials, a monthly e-zine providing strategies for creating healthy, happy marriages. We hope you enjoy this free publication. If you are not yet a subscriber, subscribe here and please share this resource with others.

This issue focuses on connection, another key component of the Marriage Essentials that will help you create a truly phenomenal relationship. 

Be sure to take a look at our newest program—Marriage Essentials Relationship Coaching—in the featured resources section of this issue. 

Michael Davis, MA, LMHC and Deanna Davis, PhD www.premaritalonline.com www.appliedinsight.net info@appliedinsight.net

In this week's issue:

• Feature Article - “On Connection”
• Featured Resource
• Other Great Ideas for Designing the Marriage of Your Dreams 
• Contact Info

Feature Article - “On Connection” 

Connection helps you truly know who your partner is, what makes them who they are, what they enjoy, and what makes them tick.  Knowing these things helps you better respond to your partner’s needs, express and secure what you need in your relationship, and create the middle ground that makes your marriage thrive.  Solid connection equates to happiness in a marriage. 

There are a variety of ways you can be connected with your spouse—physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and others.  The key is to identify the places where you have strong connections and build on them, while consistently looking for new ways to stay connected.  

Know that there are often ways that you will naturally be more connected (for example if you met in college, at church, or at a worksite).  This is a great start, but don’t rely only on this basic form of connection—it will serve you well to look for ways to have more well-rounded connections.  

Also remember that people—and relationships—go through phases.  For instance, during the early phase of a marriage (“the honeymoon phase”) people are often very connected on a physical level.  In time, they may experience a lower level of physical connection but a higher level of emotional connection.  Your needs and interests can change with age, developmental milestones, life circumstances, and changes in environment.  So, while change will occur, the question you always need to ask is “Am I cultivating connection with my partner in a variety of ways that feels satisfying and fulfilling to both of us?”

Ideas for Enhancing Connection With Your Spouse  

1. Commit to date night and to cultivating shared interests. Date night is a fun, committed time every other week to focus exclusively on your relationship and your communication with one another. You can also cultivate shared interests by trying new things that you have never done before. Perhaps share with your partner activities, experiences, or places that you enjoyed as a child. Or, identify a new skill you want to learn together, a new place you want to visit, or a new activity you want to try. Agree to devote the time and divide the planning, with each partner taking the initiative at different times. Make it fun, creative, proactive, and meaningful.  

2. Capitalize on shared values. we usually bring our values from early in life, some of which may be similar to our partner’s, and some which may be radically different. Identify the values you bring to the relationship, talk about those, and identify where you currently have overlap and where you have an opportunity to build shared values. Topics and categories can include the way you deal with money, jobs, parenting, vacations, home ownership, family interactions, fun, community involvement or giving, education and learning, or others. Focus in on which values you need to maintain for yourself and which areas you might be able to negotiate with your partner to create shared meaning and fulfillment.  

3. Build shared rituals, experiences, and memories. We each bring to the marriage rituals that we shared in our families of origin or our pre-married life. Identify which of these are most important to you and ask your partner to agree to accommodate them. Do the same for your partner. There will be some places where you will readily align, and others where you will need to negotiate. Then, identify which rituals you used to take part in that you consciously want to discard (those that don’t serve your interest or fulfillment). And finally, mutually choose the rituals that you want to create together—your new family’s unique way of doing things. Remember, rituals or shared experiences don’t need to be exclusively around holidays or large-scale events—they can be as simple as a shared pancake breakfast on Thursdays or a shared movie marathon once a month.  

4. Enhance physical connection and intimacy. Physical connection and intimacy is a sacred type of connection for a couple. Open communication is the key to mutual satisfaction. Try focusing on requests, rather than expectations. It’s important to clearly tell your partner what you are wanting from him/her—don’t second guess, and by all means don’t assume that he/she knows (or should know!). It’s all right—actually, it’s extremely healthy—to have high expectations for the quality of relationship you want to develop. It’s not ok, though, to have unexpressed high expectations.  
   
   Translate your preferences verbally into what you are asking for and clearly convey it to your partner. Humans aren’t mind readers, so words make all the difference. Express your desires and needs as you go, but also do “checkups” with one another every once in a while, where you specifically check in and ask how he/she is feeling and what you might mutually do to enhance physical connection. And remember that intimacy can be expressed in many different ways—use the broadest definition for intimacy and physical connection (it’s not just sex!). Intimacy can include cuddling, hugs, affectionate touch, and many other things. Finally, commit to creating an equitable approach to meeting each other’s intimacy needs—one person shouldn’t always have to initiate intimacy. Likewise, avoid resentment by stepping forward regularly and asking for what you want/need.   

When you keep these four connection Marriage Essentials central to your relationship, you’ll notice how powerfully they enhance your experience as a couple.  Enjoy!

Other Great Ideas for Designing the Marriage of Your Dreams      

Another Great Read

One fabulous way to enhance connection in your marriage is to understand your partner’s Love Language (and to help them understand yours).  We all have a tendency to show—and to feel—love and affection in our own way.  Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages:  How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is an outstanding resource for knowing how to connect with your partner in the most meaningful ways.   

Thank you for subscribing!  Until next month, keep focusing on those Marriage Essentials!