Marriage Essentials E-zine | August 30, 2006
volume 1, Issue 2 | Subscribe

Welcome back to Marriage Essentials, a monthly e-zine providing strategies for healthy marriages. We hope you enjoy this free resource. If you are not yet a subscriber, subscribe here and please share this resource with others!

Marriage is an amazing journey—and an adventure! It is our goal to help you make that journey as meaningful and enjoyable as possible by providing you with a few Marriage Essentials to consider. Today’s issue focuses on “About Arguments,” providing you with four simple strategies for managing conflict in healthy ways. 

And don’t miss the featured resources at the end of that article, which tells you how you can join us for a phenomenal in-person Marriage Essentials Premarital Workshop we'll be holding in Seattle, WA on November 18th. See you there!

Michael Davis, MA, LMHC and Deanna Davis, PhD www.premaritalonline.com www.appliedinsight.net info@appliedinsight.net

In this week's issue:

• Feature Article - “About Arguments”
• Featured Resource
• Other Great Ideas for Designing the Marriage of Your Dreams 
• Contact Info

Feature Article - “About Arguments” 

Remember, the healthiest couples in the world argue.  What matters is how they argue—whether they handle conflict in healthy or unhealthy ways.  Healthy couples “fight fair,” engage in conflict respectfully, and have resolution—rather than being right—in mind.   Here are a few tips for helping you deal with conflict in your day to day life so that you can avoid escalating it and seek positive, respectful outcomes.  

1. Ask “Does This Really Matter to Me?”  When bringing up an issue, make sure you feel it is worth your time and attention.  If we brought up every issue that bothered us about our partner or spouse we would drive both them—and us—crazy.  Ask yourself “does this really matter to me?” Or, use the 20/20 thinking test, asking yourself “how will I feel about this in 20 minutes and in 20 years…will this seem as important to me after a few minutes to think about it, and will it impact my quality of life for the next 20 years?”  Your answers to these questions may guide you in deciding when to bring up an issue and when to let something go.  Only you know the answer to those questions, but oftentimes, giving yourself a little bit of time and perspective helps you avoid escalating a conflict that really isn’t about something truly important to you.

2. Find Respectful Resolution, Not Blame.  Be sure to approach whatever is bothering you with ownership and respect, saying something like “I’ve been struggling with something, and I’d like to talk with you about it,” or “when this happens, I feel (describe the feeling)…and I’d like to talk about it with you.”  The goal is to avoid putting your partner on defense or pointing fingers.  You’re looking for resolution, not blame, and the more you approach the conversation with the aim of mutual satisfaction, the more likely you will be to be satisfied with the outcome.

3. Seek Solutions and Closure.  When we approach a conflict, most of the time what we want is to find an appropriate solution to the issue so it won’t make a repeat performance in future arguments. For example, if there was a past hurt that was not healed or resolved, and it seems to creep into other areas of your life, it’s important to clearly identify the source of this pain or hurt, talk about it, resolve it, and move on.  While there is no time line for healing from prior hurts, at some point you may need to let your spouse “off the hook” so to speak and focus on your own healing so the issue will not overflow or become connected to other disagreements.  Healthy conflict resolution focuses on one issue—the current issue—at a time.

4. At Times, Agree to Disagree.  Sometimes, however, you may find that a certain argument doesn’t seem to have a middle ground, due to different personality styles, values, or other factors.  If, after thoughtful communication, you reach an impasse on a certain matter, there can be times when it is appropriate to simply agree to disagree. This is not a bad or negative thing—it just is what it is.  It would be pretty boring if your partner thought in exactly the same way that you did about exactly the same things.  Because we are different people, we will naturally have areas of our lives that we see differently, and unique ways of expressing our desires, preferences, or values. Always remember that conflict and disagreements are never about “win or lose,” but rather about how we can reach a resolution that will work for both partners. 

Other Great Ideas for Designing the Marriage of Your Dreams      

Another Great Read  

If you’re looking for great ideas to infuse more romance and fun into your relationship, pick up a copy of Gregory Godek’s 1001 Ways to Be Romantic.  It’s packed with innovative tips for connecting with your partner in loving, sexy, and affectionate ways.  

Thank you for subscribing!  Until next month, keep focusing on those Marriage Essentials!